Tag: Truth

Free Black Girl

Many may not know this about me, but I haven’t been a part of a church community, on a consistent basis, in over 3 years.

It’s super unlike me, but, unfortunately, this has been my life for the past 3 years. Life has been weird. Between being diagnosed with and battling depression, changing jobs, and dealing with (read: avoiding) my mom’s mental illness… I have not been dealing with life…
I would say I haven’t been dealing with it well, but really, I’ve just not been dealing with it at all.

But this past weekend I was reminded of a few things:

1) God will never leave me.
I have had an underlying fear, consistently invade my mind for the past few years: I can no longer reconnect with God.

It has been this thing. This thought that, somehow, I have procrastinated too much. That I have ignored Him for too long. That because I have not been diligent in my search for a new church home or consistent with prayer or reading the Bible… That God no longer cares about me. That He no longer wants to hear from me or connect with me. That God has left me.
But these are lies. Lies literally created so that I won’t reach out to God. So that I won’t pray or read the Bible. Lies and fallacies. lol
Although it’s different, my relationship with God; God is the same and He isn’t changing. I’m the one changing. As I grow in maturity, like an infant transitioning into childhood, I am seeing the world differently. And it affects me. So my needs, desires, and how I engage, have changed. Sometimes people say for you to check-in with God and ask Him to show you who you are.
Sometimes that’s scary, but it’s necessary to see how that is affecting your relationship/worship with Him.
So, when I took just a bit of time and thought about where I was and how I was feeling, I realized the lies that were invading my livelihood. And I took some more time to rebuke, reject them.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” [Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV]

2) God desires for me live my BEST life.
About a year or two ago one of my former pastors told me “You can’t afford to just live”.

Although, I got what he was saying at the time, I don’t think I let that statement penetrate my heart like it should have.  I knew that I didn’t really have the privilege of living life without focus, but I don’t think I accepted that at the time.
I wanted to live in a space that was comfortable and be with friends who made me feel comfortable and in a job that allowed me to live comfortably… but… That’s not my purpose.
As a disciple of Christ, I have been chosen the live life and live it BOLDLY. As disciples, we have to be intentional in everything, especially once we have been blessed to understand our gifts and callings. And, I have been blessed.
Not only do I understand my general purpose, I’m fully aware of how God wants me to go about fulfilling it. That is not something I should take lightly. In fact, it is something that should ignite me to live live with more intention.
There is definitely fear attached to me, more intentionally, pursuing certain aspects of my purpose, but as we know, Fear does not come from God. Just like I said above, it’s very purpose is to distract and detract from my relationship/worship of God.

But here I am, today, finally accepting that I will NOT just live. I will live the BEST way possible. Learning more about and following God’s Word. Allowing His Word to penetrate my heart and guide me in as many areas of my life that it can (which is every area if you were curious). Guarding my heart from things that do not reflect His Word. Allowing my friends who see me and my purpose, to hold me accountable and I them.
I commit to doing all of this and more in order to live MY best life. Which means being an example of Him in this world.

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.   
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
[Matthew 5:13‭-‬16 NIV]

3) There is NO shame in starting over.
I’ve been here before. I’ve had to start from the beginning and learn what this worship/relationship really means to me. I have had to find a church home that made me feel like I was in the right place for where I was in my walk. I have served and gotten connected to lifelong friends. I have leaned in so much to God that I could clearly identify the person I used to be versus the person that I was; because they were distinctly different.
Yes, I have been here before.
But today, I have so much more knowledge that, I see that… I have NOT been HERE before. Not like this. I am a different person than both of those previous people. My needs are completely different because I see EVERYTHING with different lenses. There are no longer scales on my eyes.
Because of that, transitioning to a renewed commitment to Christ is different. And that’s okay.
I have things that I may have to fight a little harder to combat, but really, that’s what the Spirit is for. Despite all of MY challenges, God remains the same. And the Holy Spirit inside of me IS God… So it does not change either. The Word has not gone away. So the Spirit is still alive and active within me. And I feel it. Whenever I spend time in the Word I can feel the difference in how I think and how I act.

Starting over, isn’t really starting over when I understand this. When I accept it. It’s just committing to obedience. Re-committing. I’m grateful for one of my friend who reminded me of that this weekend.

I have to remember, also, that we are not expected to be perfect. A righteous man fall 7 times… We battle the flesh, the humanness of us daily. Although this is not an excuse to sin, we still cannot ignore that our flesh does not go anywhere. We just have to remember Grace is what helps us get up again. It is what helps us be strengthened in our weakness.
Accept it instead of running from it.
Nope, we don’t deserve it. But it was offered to us simply for believing. Embrace it. He loves us that much.

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 
because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” [Romans 8:1-2 NIV]

And because of that, I can declare:
4) I am a Carefree Black Girl.
(well, woman, but you get it)

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” [2 Corinthians 3:17 NIV]

I don’t know why, but the idea of the Carefree Black Girl has been something I have been loving. Freely embracing who we are, flaws and all. Beating the odds. Ignoring what the world may try to tell us about ourselves and just being.
And then, randomly, it occurred to me…. I don’t really want to be Care free, I just want to be Free.
Again, we don’t have the privilege, as disciples, to just live this life. I have to care about what’s going on around me. I have to care about this life I have been given, this calling that I have on my life. I have to care.
But I am still free.
Today I am free from lies (ones I have been told and those I have told myself).  I am free from being stuck in self-deprecating patterns that have caused me to be in negative relationships. I am free from feeling like I am not good enough or not worthy. I am free from the power of sin.
So… I’m going to live like it.
And I pray that you do too.

Always,
Be

“I’m free. I can live and speak and love openly because I believe I am who God says I am. My insecurities are quieter (not gone, but quieter), my worries are lighter (not weightless, but lighter) and my heart is fuller because I know how God feels about me”
– Annie Downs

 

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Being Light Throwback: “Dating Jesus: Staying Committed”

I have a confession…

I have a problem with commitment.

Not in relationships… well, I guess in relationships, but not the kind you’re probably thinking of.
You see, I have a problem with committing to myself.
With committing to changing myself fully; with committing to accepting my purpose; and really, with committing to my personal relationship with God.

I’m a faster… as in, I fast, kind of often… well, at least I try to.
In 2012, when I did my first fast, I must say, although it was a challenge, once I got the hang of it & made it a habit with purpose, I was good. At one point I fasted for 40-days. I’m not bragging, because the circumstance kind of required it, but I’m just saying…that was me over a year ago.

But then…2013 came. Last March I wrote a piece on “No Compromising Season”… that was the season I was in. During that time, it was my intent to fast again because I’d noticed a few things and I felt my flesh getting too strong. I had started to lose control.
Before I move on, I feel that it’s necessary to reiterate that when it comes to my relationship with God; my physical health is pretty much my visual indicator of how I’m doing. (And on a funnier note, I’ve kind of used my natural hair journey as an indicator too).
So last March when I noticed my weight gain + my hair breakage I was perplexed. I had felt that I was doing the right things in my walk to at least maintain a healthy weight (and healthy hair), but my body said otherwise. So when I wrote “No Compromising Season” I had a few revelations. The biggest one being… I was allowing myself to be content with mediocre efforts.
The reality was, although my eating wasn’t horrible,  I was inconsistent. And didn’t go to the gym. And when it came to my relationship with God, I went to church, but had stopped meditating on God’s Word as soon as I felt that His Spirit was no longer responding to the effort.

I had become lax… I had started comprising during the process. RIGHT when I had to start making a little more effort, I fell off. And that is how I became vulnerable. The minute I let go of what worked was the minute the enemy crept in and presented me with opportunity after opportunity to forget where I was going and why. And with some of the smallest of thing. God had continued to tell me I was in a season where I couldn’t compromise within the journey, but the longer I ignored that voice the easier it was to give in and indulge in things that weren’t good for me. I, in essence, started cheating on God. I couldn’t see it though because it was nothing “major”. I still attended church & served, & listened to Christian music every morning. I just listened to my secular music the rest of the day and had stopped making efforts to improve my service or even make sure I did it to glorify Him instead of myself.
As a result… eventually I couldn’t even tell whose voice I was hearing; who I was really devoting myself to; whose spirit I was really walking in.

And I’m still in the struggle. It’s better, but after a year of compromises, I’ve found that the things that I used to do, like fasting, take 4x as much effort a day than it did that first time. And that’s a scary place to be.
I said a while ago that I will never give up on my fitness journey and this goes for maturing in Christ as well.
He didn’t create me to be mediocre. He created me to glorify Him. He created me to be His child. He created me to be set apart. And for a God that loved me so much that He died for me… I can never give up allowing my flesh to die for Him. And for the God who rose from the dead for me… I will always take each day to rise out of my failures for Him.
It won’t be easy, and that’s ok. Because I am His I receive victory. Because of His Spirit in me & His grace, I have strength & wisdom. Because of His Word I have all the weapons I need to be an overcomer.

And the same goes for you! Today you may not be the best “Christian” you can be or life may generally suck; that doesn’t mean you can just do the “fade away” with God. One, He’s good for chasing after you. Lol. And, Two, He deserves better.

How can you get re-committed?

Seek His face… get to know who God is; how he operates; for yourself. Take a little time (5 minutes never hurt anyone). Read His Word & pray. Keep a verse in your head for the day. Learn who He is.

I personally love Psalms 119… longest book in the Bible, but probably contains something for everyone. One verse from that can reveal your heart. Give it a try… you have to start somewhere.

Always,
Be

Being Light Throwback: “Dating Jesus: Forgiving God”

And trusting God will only come when you forgive Him…

Being in a relationship with Christ isn’t always easy.
People tend to have this perception that once you get Saved or reborn or whatever that life is grand from there… but the reality is… it’s tough. Maturing in Christ is probably the epitome of “The Struggle Life”.
As a case manager a lot of the teams I work with get extra excited when I get assigned to them. Not because of me, but because of what I do. They have this idea in their head that life will be grand from that first meeting on…
And then… several months later when things are either the same or worse I have to have that conversation that “things will likely get worse before they get better”.
Coming to Christ is sometimes like that. At first the sheer thought of finally accepting Christ builds you up & holds you over for a few months. After all, the weight of un-forgiveness is heavy so being able to accept God’s forgiveness and having that load removed makes everything “feel” better.
But then… reality starts to set in. Change isn’t happening as fast as you thought it would. In fact, you find that you’re having to put in a little more effort just to feel peace. You start to see things within yourself that you never noticed before. You start noticing that some of the people in your life aren’t who you thought they were and you notice some of the hurt you either hadn’t remembered or hadn’t realized.
This is when forgiveness and trust start to become an issue. Not that you need to forgive people, but you have to forgive God (not because He did something wrong, but because we feel that He did).
In the midst of your hurt, you start to feel even greater hurt because God didn’t stop the pain or because God allowed you to experience a time in your life that you would have rather been omitted from your story.
And that causes some bitterness.
And… you hit a wall.
The moment I realized I had to put an effort into trusting God was after I hit this wall for the first time.
All my life I was taught to love God & worship Him and have faith, but no one ever taught me that these things aren’t instant. And trusting God will only come when you forgive Him…
And the easiest way to forgive is to understand His Word & KNOW that ALL things work together for the good to them that Love the Lord & are called according to His purpose.
And remember that OUR purpose is to Glorify God & bring people to Him.
So… even if you don’t know WHY that particular something happened. Know that it is in the benefit of you. Either simply to give you a reason to come to him or as complex as being a testimony for someone you may never meet.
Stay Blessed y’all.
Always,
Be

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Being Light: Perception

I started a devotional today. I’m always starting devotionals… But since I finished one, I started another. It’s started off pretty good because it got me writing. I love devotionals that encourage mindfulness; especially ones that encourage you to write down answers to questions or thoughts…

This one did that.
It had me read scripture passages and write down what they revealed about God’s purpose for me.
Specifically: “As you read today’s verses, write down some of new perspectives of purpose for your life as seen from God’s view.”
I immediately wrote down the following:

For God desires me:
-to be free
-to be faithful/to be Faith-filled
-to follow His Word, His Will, His Ways
-to live
-to honor Him
-to have peace
-to be light
-to survive
-to be bold
-to be strengthened by His Word
-to Love others
-to Love Him (with all my heart, all my soul, & all my mind)
-to grow in Faithfulness, & Love, & Patience, & Kindness, & Self-control, & Goodness, & Joy, & Gentleness, & Peace
(Fruits of the Spirit)

If you noticed, I didn’t say God’s purpose or my purpose is…
That’s because, honestly, I’ve been struggling with remembering my purpose. Or rather, with believing my purpose, the one specific to me. That’s one of the reasons I’ve taken to devotionals so hard (I read about 3 a day). I want to remember. I want to believe. And this helps guide me into scripture a little more consistently.
It’s helped a little. The general practice of spending time in God’s Word is really the key.

However, I’ve noticed a trend:
Oftentimes there’s this discussion (especially throughout these devotionals I have been reading), to “remember God’s promises to you”; “hold on to His promises”… But as I’ve been transforming, it has been difficult to remember or, really even discern, God’s promises that are specific to me vs the desires of my own heart that I just HOPE He has for me.
As such, I feel like I can’t ‘hold on’ to those things as assurance of anything…
God changes our hearts. Gradually but He does. So I’m feeling that the things I wanted aren’t things I necessarily need. And, ultimately, they have been weights in my relationship with Christ. Not that they were sinful, but just that they were becoming significant pieces in my resentment or indifference towards God.
Because I didn’t have what I wanted, I was starting to doubt Him. And me. And seeds were planted and became confusion and fear. So much fear.

So I can’t hold onto “promises”… I have to hold onto His Word. And God’s DESIRES for me.
There’s a difference. I’m not saying that being aware of God’s promises isn’t nice. They can bring assurance. But when you understand the ROOTS of those promises… When you understand that His promises are simply symptoms or results of His DESIRES for you… THEN you have something to hold on to.

God’s desires and plans for us are how we can truly experience confidence and peace in our purpose. Because they expose His heart. And there is NOTHING stronger or more dependable than the heart of God.

Always,

Be

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