Today is such a special day for me. In it lies such a mixture of emotions that I imagine may always be present.
Today I am not only mindful of the joy that has been brought upon my life through motherhood, but I am also mindful of the grief. I’m mindful of my first born and the greatest loss of my life thus far.
It was just last year that I experienced my first Mother’s Day. Where I was recognized and honored by friends and family. Where I felt a small glimpse into that joy.
However short lived and conflicting my emotions may have been that day…
However worthy yet empty I may have felt…
While being celebrated I also grieved and I was seen in that grief. I was comforted in that grief. And I was honored.
While this is not my first Mother’s Day, it IS the first that I am able to celebrate. It’s the first that I am able to hold my child and love on them and fully embrace the joy of motherhood.
Although I still grieve, the pain is not nearly as strong and the peace exceeds expectations here.
I’m grateful for the ups and downs this journey has taken me on. A road so unexpected. A turn that has truly changed who I am as a person. I’m still learning who this new person is, but grateful to be able to experience her.
I thank God that when I needed comfort and stability and truth and love… He did not withhold it from me… even when I withheld it from Him. He is Truly so unlike us Humans.
I thank God for the people in my life who saw me and who see me. For those who loved on me and respected my space. For those who grieved and continue to grieve with me.
At a time when you can really feel so alone, God made SO certain that I knew that I was not. That I AM not. That I was seen and am forever seen. That as a family unit, this affected us in so many ways. God the Father and Most Holy Sovereign One did what He does. And I will never unsee or un-feel THAT.
There is a space for those of us who have experienced infant loss. It’s a space we can go to within ourselves as we heal. And it’s one that also allows us to see and honor the others of us who have this shared experience.
I feel blessed that I get to mother after loss. I feel blessed that I get to see so many others mother after loss. But I also feel for those who have not yet or will not ever. My heart truly goes out to you.
To all of us, I give the greatest of hugs.
And to every Mother in every form… To You beautiful, complicated, worthy, strong, souls… I honor You and acknowledge You and say…
Happy Mother’s Day.
2 thoughts on “On My ‘First’ Mother’s Day.”
Thank you for your humility, honesty, and transparency. It’s through your willingness to share your experiences and lessons learned, that you are able to continue to heal, grow, and bless others. I praise God for who He is, and for how He’s using you (and you’re letting Him 😉) to blessing us . Keep shining for His glory.
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Thank you!!! I’m gonna keep letting Him use me!